The best products

Winblows

bestproducts_ms_windowsThe name is not quite spot on, as what this product actually does is suck. Still, it’s an important part of our monopoly so you better buy it. We’ve been even kind enough to include the expiry date in the name. Currently you can get the 1998 version (which truth to be told expired 5 rather than 2 years ago) and the newer, even better one, Winblows 1900. The name says it all.

 

Suffice

bestproducts_ms_office Another widely spread product. It spreads out on your hard drive like a lazy dinosaur and works in much the same way. This is another product with the expiry date generously included. Currently available in three expired versions: expiry date 97 for you, 98 for the enemy and 1900 for the bravest of heart.

 

Weird

bestproducts_ms_wordAn essential part of the Suffice package (and of its success as well). If you’re ready to pay more for a word processor than people with brains do for a full office package, go for this baby. Its popularity couldn’t be reduced in the last couple of years, not even through the fact that nowadays the highest percentage of all viruses on desktop systems originate from Weird “.dog” files sent as an e-mail attachment (for total coverage, check out Watchout Mistress below).

 

XXL

bestproducts_ms_excelAnother member of the Suffice clan. If you thought you knew what the word “overblown” meant, you should see this one and you’ll realize you didn’t even come close to the truth. Oversized like a sightseeing bus for your garage, the best CPU for this application is the one that will come out next year. But as people obviously dislike software that works with last year’s computer models, this beauty is holding its own rather well.

 

Watchout Mistress

bestproducts_ms_outlookThe perfect arsenal to harass, embarrass, blast and vaporize your cyber-enemies. Including all kind of long-range weapons like iHTML that’s only readable with WOE 5+ (and its big brothers Watchout and Exploder) and easy management of various viruses disguised as attachments (to achieve best results, use in combination with Weird). There is one slight problem though: Watchout (Express) has no defensive mechanisms, so if your enemy is reckless enough to deploy the same product, you become about as defenseless as the average BIOS against CIH…

 

Give us all you have

bestproducts_ms_moneyWe can surely make better use of it than you could ever dream of, like wasting it on building more secure technologies into our CDs and authenticity certificates than any currency of the world has ever had. And of course we need it for producing other versions of the Big Brother software we give away free (Exploder, Watchout Mistress, BackSide Mistress). Or would you like to have to pay for Big Brother supervising you? No, I guess not.

 

Waste of Resources

bestproducts_ms_ageofempiresIf you get tired of the (with our products very) hard work, time to enjoy yourself with this relaxing game of wasting resources on military units wasted in battles not getting you ahead. To take your enjoyment to a higher level, we decided to make the game feel more realistic than any of its kind before, by letting it waste your resources in ways you can’t imagine. By following the standard tactics of doubling the system requirements printed on the box (in this case, Pentium 90, 32 MB RAM), you won’t be anywhere near the real figures. On a PII-400 you will be able to see choppy frame rates in certain scenarios, thus making it more hardware-intensive than any current 3D shooter title. And as for memory, try running the game on a mere 256 MB without having another 100 MB on your hard drive for a nice juicy swapfile!

Join the club

I got this pretty yellow invitation to join the big club the very first time back in 1994 with my copy of Windows 3.1. At that time, I was a fairly average user (or maybe even more inexperienced) and so I missed the chance to become a part of something this big and famous.

The next time I got the very same card was two years later with my copy of Windows 95. This time, I was already on my way to become an advanced user, but not yet advanced enough to be sceptical – so I signed up for the great advantages of being a club member (the results of which will be mentioned later on).

The third time I got the card (with zero changes) was in 1999 with a copy of Windows 98 SE. This time I was already beyond the level of knowledge companies living from hype find healthy – thus I not only never used the card to register but even decided to make fun of it publicly.

mscard1
Translation from German:
Microsoft Registration Card
IMPORTANT! Fill in this card and send it back to us today.
mscard2
Translation from German:
1. What kind of computer do you own? (Please tick only one box) A. 286 / B. 368 / C. 486 / D. Pentium CPU / E. Alpha AXP / F. MIPS / G. Other / H. I don’t know
4. How much RAM does your PC have? (Please tick only one box) A. 2-4 MB / B. 5-6 MB / C. 7-8 MB / D. 9-12 MB / E. 13-16 MB / F. More than 16 MB / G. I don’t know

1. What kind of computer do you own? (Please tick only one box)

G. Other

H. I don’t know

There are four possible CPU choices here on which Windows 98 simply won’t start at all (286, 386, Alpha AXP, MIPS) and there are half a dozen or more CPU types in the meantime on which it would run (or at least creep) – that means around 90% of all users are bound to tick either G or H, thus giving away virtually zero information.

 

4. How much RAM does your PC have? (Please tick only one box)

F. More than 16 MB

G. I don’t know

Too bad Windows 98 needs a minimum of 24 MB of RAM. As for the “tick only one box”, it’d be fun to tick several, like C + E, the sum resulting in a total RAM size of 20-24 MB, which would pose the interesting question of whether your system is now capable of running Windows 98 or not.

As an aside, on the next page the card goes on about promising me all kinds of cool information, offers and support when I register… well, I registered my Windows 95 and all I ever got in half a decade was an appeal to upgrade to Office 97. Yes, I know what you’re going to say: “you can’t use the Office 97 upgrade without a previous version”. Why did I get the upgrade offer then? Because, among many “important” questions, MS forgot to ask me something rather relevant – namely what product I was registering…